Appointment partner or meal planner? 4 Ways to Support a Friend with Cancer: NPR

When I was in middle school, I would sit in a dark closet in my bedroom for hours on the phone with my cousin. We talked about our crushes and used their secret code names. We told funny stories about our families. I could count on her to make me laugh.

Last year my cousin was that person for me again. But this time I was sitting in a chemo chair with an IV in my arm and an ice-cold cap on my head to protect my hair follicles. My breast cancer diagnosis hit me like a wave of villains. But my cousin was with me, holding my hand and making me smile.

Being diagnosed with cancer at age 34 was shocking and life-changing. But I never felt alone through it all. The people in my life have been there for me in so many different ways. Your constant support kept me going.

It can be difficult to know how to be there for someone with cancer. But from my own experience and from conversations with other cancer survivors, I’ve learned that the best thing you can do is think about what you’re good at and what you could specifically offer the person you’re dealing with at this moment.

Even if you don’t know anyone who has cancer now, it probably will affect someone you love. The National Cancer Institute estimates that 39% of Americans will be diagnosed with cancer at some point in their lives.

Here are four specific roles that friends and family members can take on for a loved one with cancer. They each fulfill an important need that cancer patients often have.

Role #1: Buddy at doctor’s appointments

In the early days of my cancer diagnosis, I met with many doctors and sought second and third opinions. I wanted someone there who could take notes and ask follow-up questions.

I asked my friend Zoe Saunders to meet my surgeon with me. As an audio producer, she has a lot of experience supporting presenters and reporters during interviews and summarizing what has been said.

We prepared a list of questions in advance, and during the appointment she let me take the lead. As we walked, she checked off questions and then compiled notes about the visit into a shared document.

⭐ This role might be suitable for you if …You are organized, detail-oriented and comfortable in a medical environment.

This is also a great role for someone with a medical background. NPR listener Rich Coker, whose wife Maya was diagnosed with cancer in 2024, says having a few doctor friends accompany her to early appointments was invaluable.

“They asked questions that we wouldn’t ask in our shock at the news and newness of these systems,” he says.

Role No. 2: procedural support and patient representative

You can also accompany your loved ones to scans, surgeries, and radiation and chemotherapy appointments. These are a little different than a regular doctor’s appointment in that it’s less about asking questions and taking notes and more about providing emotional and physical support and advocating for the person when needed.

When I did chemotherapy, I was in the hospital for seven hours. The cold hat felt like I had a frozen bowling ball strapped to my head. I was in pain – and cold – so it was important to have someone there who felt comfortable cuddling with me to warm me up, and who wasn’t afraid to talk to a nurse and be a little pushy when I didn’t get the medication I needed.

I also wanted someone who could make me laugh and who didn’t think it was strange when I started praying the rosary. I had four infusions and brought one person per visit: my father, my mother, my godmother and then my cousin.

⭐ This role might be right for you if… You’re the kind of person who is comfortable with physical touch, sitting in silence, praying, or even bringing your best comedy routine (depending on the person’s mood). You should also be prepared to advocate for your loved one if necessary.

Role No. 3: Companion after operations or infusions

I did chemotherapy on Fridays and the Mondays afterwards were always the hardest for me. My friend came over and brought me lentil soup because I was craving it – and because it was creamy. After chemotherapy, people often develop mouth sores and lose their sense of taste, and the creamy texture can feel soothing.

She also brought me small gifts, like a bandana with pasta shapes on it, to cover my head while I was losing my hair. As I lay on the couch, she sat on the floor and held my hand.

⭐ This role might be right for you if… You have a strong stomach (you may see blood, burns, or healing cuts) and you are able to stay mentally strong even when your loved one is unwell.

Role #4: Home Helper and Meal Planner

One of the greatest gifts you can give someone undergoing cancer treatment is to take on some of their daily mental burden. Here are some ways to do this:

• Offer to bring dinner. This saves them the trip to the grocery store and the energy of cooking. It also saves them from having to think about what they’re going to eat tonight.
• Instead of asking, “What can I do?”, make a specific offer. Don’t give your friend the extra task of assigning tasks You a task. Say: Hey, can I do a load of laundry for you? Walking the dog? Are you bringing a smoothie?
• Coordinate friends who want to help. Coker says that when his wife, Maya, became ill, a friend created a calendar “where people could sign up to take our children to their activities or accompany my wife to appointments and chemotherapy treatments.” This took some of the planning of everyday life away from them.
• Take the initiative. NPR listener Indira White, who was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2023, says a friend came over and “just started doing the dishes or cleaning up something. That was really helpful.”

⭐ This role might be right for you if… You are good at organizing and planning and are willing to take initiative.

One last tip

No matter what role you end up taking on, remember that you don’t have to be the person who makes everything better for someone or offers them the perfect pearl of wisdom.

Debra Jarvis, host of the podcast The Last Word: Conversations with People in the Face of Deatha hospital chaplain and breast cancer survivor, says you can ask your loved one this simple question when you talk to them: “Where are you today with all of this?” she says.

“Then just wait. Maybe they will give you an answer. Then I would say, wait a little longer and maybe the right answer will come,” she says.

You may not always know what to say to your friend, but curiosity is a good place to start.

The digital story was edited by Malaka Gharib, with art direction by Beck Harlan. We would love to hear from you. Leave us a voicemail at 202-216-9823 or email us at LifeKit@npr.org.

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